


Don't let Colin Creevey on Stan Twitter, and other lessons from the Hogwarts Internet

by MessOfContradictions



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Black Hermione Granger, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Indian Harry Potter, M/M, Texting, and i promote my ships, group chats, minor characters get personalities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26255110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MessOfContradictions/pseuds/MessOfContradictions
Summary: Technology at Hogwarts AU. A series of text and group chat exchanges from 5th year onwards. Everyone is chaotic, and friendships are generally cute and fluffy. Minimal angst, I just want to see my babies happy and having fun. I'll be adding new chapters whenever inspiration strikes, but there's not really an overarching plot.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Lavender Brown/Parvati Patil, Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	1. DA stands for Dumb Ass

**Hermione Granger added Alicia Spinnet, Angelina Johnson, Anthony Goldstein, Cho Chang, Colin Creevey, Dean Thomas, Dennis Creevey, Ernie Macmillan, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Hannah Abbott, Harry Potter, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Katie Bell, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Marietta Edgecombe, Michael Corner, Neville Longbottom, Padma Patil, Parvati Patil, Ron Weasley, Susan Bones, Terry Boot, and Zacharias Smith to the chat**

Hermione: Hey guys! I thought it would be a good idea for us to have a DA group chat, in case meeting times change, or we spot Umbridge or the Inquisitorial Squad somewhere. 

Hermione: I’ve been trying to come up with a name for the chat that doesn’t give away what it is. 

**Ginny Weasley named the chat ‘fuck Umbridge, all my homies hate Umbridge’**

Fred: ayyyeeee

George: i truly did not understand familiar pride until our baby sister began her rebellious phase

Ron: why aren’t you ever proud of me when I break the rules? 

Fred: dear ickle ronickins, the truth is,

Fred: ginny’s cooler than you

Ron: ...that’s fair

Ginny: haha fuck yeah I am 

Harry: hermionnnneee the weasleys have taken over the chat

Hermione: It only took them two minutes. That has to be some kind of record. 

Lee: they’re like a virus

Lee: Ginger-Vitus

George: haha yeah no one’s ever used that one before 

Neville: wait so when is the next meeting? 

Harry: it’s still up in the air

Harry: it depends when everyone’s quidditch practice is, which depends on the weather

Angelina: Right now, Gryffindor is scheduled on the pitch for Tuesday evening, Thursday evening, and Saturday evening. 

Michael: there’s no use practicing that much, we’re gonna wipe the floor with you next week

Michael: GO EAGLES !

Anthony: caw caw motherfuckers!

Cho: I think we need to workshop a better cheer. 

Terry: Flitwick seems to have a problem with the ‘motherfuckers’ part

Terry: I can’t imagine why

Luna: I wrote a sonnet as a cheer, but no one seemed to like it that much.

Cho: It’s not that it wasn’t good Luna, it was excellently written, it was just...a little long for a cheer. 

Luna: I see your point; the postive effects of reciting poetry on acts of athleticism should probably be researched more thoroughly before we commit.

Cho: Yeah, that’s...exactly what I meant. 

Zacharias: oh please, the real threat to the cup is going to be the Hufflepuff team. Obviously. 

Zacharias: GO BADGERS!

Zacharias: is...is no one gonna back me up here

Fred: i think i can hear some crickets cheering you on

Zacharias: you are all traitors to Hufflepuff

Ernie: I like the quidditch team, but I like embarassing you more. 

Zacharias: dickhead

**George Weasley removed Zacharias Smith from the chat**

George: we have a strict ‘no innappropritate language’ policy here

Fred: but it only applies to Smith

**Harry > Hermione**

Harry: A group chat? Really, Hermione? 

Hermione: In my defense, I did not expect it to go to shit quite so quickly. 

Harry: They’re chaotic spirits, Hermione. And you’ve unleashed them all into one house. 

Hermione: Why don’t you use those excellent metaphors and go write your Potions essay? 

Harry: Would you believe that I’ve already written it so it would be okay for me to play chess with Ron tonight instead of working?

Hermione: No, no I would not believe that. 

Harry: Dammit. Fine. I’ll get my books and meet you in the common room in 10 minutes.


	2. The Saga of Smith

**Hufflebuds**

Hannah: do you guys ever think we should add Zacharias to this chat? 

Susan: No <3

Ernie: No

Justin: NO. 

Justin: Han, it’s called huffleBUDS not huffle-four buds and their dickhead housemate

Ernie: Hannah I promise you that if you even begin typing Smith’s number in, I will go outside right now, throw myself into the Black Lake, and allow myself to be eaten by the giant squid

Hannah: okay okay jeez

Hannah: you guys are mean

Susan: sometimes things that exclude people are better

Hannah: helga hufflepuff herself would be ashamed of us

Justin: even helga “nicest bitch ever” hufflepuff wouldn’t have liked smith 

Ernie: today in transfiguration he told me that my cauldron was still so furry that Hagrid would want to adopt it

Susan: besides, this isn’t like an ALL 5th year ‘puffs chat, it’s just for us

Justin: hey yeah, its not like we’re inviting sally-anne or anyone else to join, why would we invite smith?

Hannah: i just,,,

Hannah: i feel bad, ya know?

Hannah: he doesn’t have any friends 

Ernie: yeah that’s cause he’s a dick 

Hannah: :(

Susan: you’re too nice for your own good Han

Hannah: I prefer the term decent human being 

Justin: come on Han don’t be like that

Ernie: STOP giving us the sad puppy dog eyes across the common room 

Susan: ugh I cannot handle the sadness hannah

Susan: if you really want to include Smith so much we could ask Harry to let him back into the DA chat

Hannah: ...that’d be good 

Ernie: oh Harry’s gonna love that one 

**Justin > Ernie**

Justin: look at it this way 

Justin: the Weasley twins will probably annoy him so much he’ll decide to leave about as soon as he’s added

Ernie: the idea of this pleases me 

Ernie: alright, let’s go sacrifice any good standing we might have with Harry for Hannah’s sake

Justin: do you think she knows the power her pouty eyes wield? 

Ernie: nah, she would’ve taken over the world by now if she did 

Justin: fuck you-know-who, hannah abbot is the new wizarding world overlord

**definitely not a secret defense group**

Ernie: Harry, we have a terrible thing to ask of you. 

Hannah: you don’t need to be so dramatic, it’s not ~terrible~ 

Harry: are you gonna ask me to defeat voldemort? Hate to break it to you, but i’m already working on it

Justin: it’s nothing THAT bad

Susan: we just were wondering… 

Susan: if you’d consider adding Smith back to the chat?

**Harry Potter has left the chat**

Ernie: well that went well 

**Hermione Granger added Harry Potter to the chat**

Hermione: At least pretend to be professional Harry. 

Ginny: Petition to add Smith to the chat and then all leave at once? 

Fred: Seconded.

George: Third-ed. 

Hermione: Oh would you guys please be serious? He’s part of the DA, even if he’s a prick. 

Hannah: That’s what I said! Well, kind of. 

Lee: What if we add him to this chat and then make an entirely separate chat for the rest of us that’s the REAL chat? 

Harry: The idea has potential. 

Hermione: HARRY! 

Ron: Oh come on, Hermione. You can’t pretend you actually want to talk to him. 

Hermione: Well, no, I don’t. 

Hermione: But 2 chats make it twice as likely for someone to catch us. 

Hermione: And even Smith needs to know if we change meeting times last minute. 

Ginny: yeah cause thats exactly what we use this chat for

Ginny: not memes and complaining 

Hermione: If anyone has a rational argument as to why we shouldn’t add him, speak now. 

Fred: we’ve got one. 

Fred: it is as follows:

George: he sucks. 

Hermione: I’m ignoring that. 

**Hermione Granger added Zacharias Smith to the chat**

Hermione: Hey Zacharias, this is the DA chat, for sharing meeting dates and stuff. 

**Fred Weasley has left the chat**

**George Weasley has left the chat**

**Lee Jordan has left the chat**

**Ginny Weasley has left the chat**

**Harry Potter has left the chat**

**Ron Weasley has left the chat**

Hermione: wow. real mature. 

Zacharias: hmph. If I’m not wanted, I can just leave. 

Zacharias: I’ve got plenty of other people to talk to. 

Justin: Who? The giant squid? 

**Zacharias Smith has left the chat**

Hermione: I give up. 


	3. A Day in the Life of a Ravenclaws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lisa is Lisa Turpin, who's literally mentioned once in book one as being sorted into Ravenclaw but I put her in because i needed another girl Ravenclaw lol

**eagleclaws** [3:30 am]

Terry: ughhhhh i don’t want to wake up

Anthony: me either but your stupid text tone woke me up you fucker

Michael: why are you awake at 4 am on a saturday

Terry: i have to go pick venomous tentacula pods for my extra credit herbology project, they’re best at sunrise

Anthony: way to make us suffer along with you

Michael: misery loves company

Terry: someone throw something at me to make me get up

Terry: OW you dick 

Terry: I meant like a pillow or something, not the copy of Defensive Magical Theory on your nightstand 

Anthony: you should have been more clear

Michael: that’s the most useful that books gonna be all year

Michael: in the wise words of my girlfriend, ‘fuck umbridge, all my homies hate umbridge’

Terry: i hate both of you

Anthony: byyeeee have fun in the greenhouse

**eagleclaws** [12 pm]

Padma: who the hell is singing celestina warbeck so loud in their dorm? I can hear it from the common room. 

Anthony: harmonize with them. 

Padma: hmm I would, but I’m not, oh whats the word? Annoying. 

Anthony: if you can’t vibe out to ‘a cauldron full of hot strong love’, there’s no hope for you ever becoming less uptight

Padma: I am not uptight! 

Michael: yes you are

Terry: yes you are

Lisa: yes you are

Anthony: yes

Anthony: yes you are

Padma: you are all just factually the worst

Lisa: do you have a source for that?

Padma: Personal experience, Padma Patil. 1991-1995. 

Terry: I don’t think that's WLA format. 

Padma: The Wizarding Language Association can suck my ass. 

Michael: gasp! Padma! Such language! 

Anthony: ah let her say ass, she’s not a wee first-year anymore

Michael: she yells at me anytime I say fuck, i can tease her for saying ass

Lisa: #LetPadmaSayAss

Terry: that’ll be hermione granger’s next cause 

Terry: she’ll make buttons and everything 

Padma: speaking of hermione granger, does anyone know what she got on the last Charms test? 

Anthony: i’ll give you one guess.

Padma: 100? 

Anthony: of course 

Lisa: There goes another 5 galleons onto the pot

Terry: remind me what our bet is again? 

Lisa: everytime hermione granger gets a perfect score on a test, we each add one galleon to the ‘beat hermione granger on a test’ cauldron in the common room. the first one of us to get a higher score than her on a test wins all of it. 

Michael: it’s been 1 and a half years and none of us have beaten her yet

Padma: one day. we’ll get her one day. 

Anthony: im like 90% sure i did better than her on our DADA final in third year

Lisa: that doesnt count cause the bet hadnt started yet

Anthony: i know i know, i was just saying 

Anthony: she’s possible to beat 

Terry: okay i’ll just fucking rent a boggart for our next test, then we’ll get her

**eagleclaws** [6 pm]

Michael: wait shit okay random question but is that essay for Binns due tomorrow

Padma: wait IS IT

Michael: PADMA you’re supposed to be the one with the super well maintained calendar 

Padma: you cannot possibly expect me to be the gay one, the hot one, AND the organized one in our friend group. I can’t be all those things at once!!

Terry: you’re not THE gay one

Padma: okay the BI one

Anthony: and obviously I’m the hot one

Lisa: no Padma’s definitely the hot one

Anthony: then what am i supposed to be?

Terry: the annoying one? 

Michael: the jewish one? 

Anthony: oh suck my dreidel 

Padma: okay i checked and yeah Binns’s essay is due tomorrow

Lisa: fuckkkkk

Lisa: emergency all-nighter party? 

Terry: i’ll get the butterbeer. 

**eagleclaws** [11 pm]

Michael: i figured out which friend i am

Michael: i’m the one who never does his homework. 

Lisa: we knew that already

Michael: unrelated question, how severe do you think the injury would be if i fell down the grand staircase?

Padma: why?

Michael: i wanna be in the hospital wing long enough to not have to turn in this essay, but not so long that i miss a quidditch match

Padma: Do not throw yourself down the grand staircase. 

Michael: I wasn’t gonna throw myself down. 

Michael: I was going to get someone to push me. 

Terry: Who would willingly get themselves a detention to help you get out of turning in homework? 

**Michael > Ginny**

Michael: hey babe would you push me down the stairs tomorrow?

Ginny: yeah sure

**eagleclaws**

**Michael Corner sent a screenshot**

Micheal: ginny weasley would

Terry: i think she’s just trying to get rid of you

Michael: storytime- i was cyberbullied by my gay best freind

Terry: storytime- stupidly tall himbo flunks out of school for not doing his homework

Michael: that’s not a storytime, that’s a headline

Terry: action! action! read all about it!

Padma: This just in, local girl claims she will hex 2 of her friends if they do not stop texting and do their work 

Anthony: woo friendship

Padma: You too Anthony. Work. 

Anthony: yes ma’am.


	4. Gulliver the Romance-Inducing Plant

**Luna > Ginny ** [9 am]

Luna: do you want to come on an adventure with me today? 

Ginny: always. 

Ginny: what are we doing? 

Luna: well I have two options for us, and you can pick 

Ginny: hit me

Luna: option one is wandering into the forbidden forest to visit the thestrals and see if they know anything about cool plants that grow in there 

Ginny: sounds mild-ly life threatening, so I love it, but what do you need a cool plant for? 

Luna: I think Neville would like it. 

Luna: He was talking at great lengths about his Mimbulus Mimbletonia during the last DA meeting, so I thought he’d enjoy a plant that’s not kept in the greenhouses. 

Ginny: You really like him don’t you? 

Luna: yes, I’d say so. he’s sweet. he makes me smile. I think he’s very brave.

Ginny: Luna. That’s fucking adorable. 

Ginny: What’s option two? 

Luna: option two is researching magical portraiture in the library so that I can start working on my historically-accurate rowena ravenclaw painting

Ginny: option one. I pick option one. 

Ginny: I would feed 1000 invisible horses before i study on purpose for something thats not even classwork

Luna: hm, must be a gryffindor thing. 

Ginny: avoiding studying is an everyone thing 

Ginny: i can’t help that ravenclaws are obsessed with homework

Luna: you’d be surprised how little homework actually gets done in the ravenclaw common room

Luna: people just work on what interests them

Luna: Terry Boot is growing this little garden on one of the bookshelves. One of the seventh years has this to-scale wooden carving of Hogwarts she’s been working on for years. I think a third year is about to start building a hanging of the solar system on the ceiling. 

Ginny: one day, you’re sneaking me into your common room. i wanna see it. 

Luna: sounds fun.

Luna: Forbidden forest time? 

Ginny: yes. I’ll meet you in the entrance hall. 

Ginny: ADVENTURE!

**Luna > Neville ** [3 pm]

Luna: hello neville 

Luna: if you find yourself free this afternoon, I have a gift for you 

Neville: oh um

Neville: i’ll be in the library working on homework for the next few hours if you wanted to stop by

Luna: sounds lovely

Luna: see you soon

**Ginny > Luna ** [6 pm]

Ginny: So did he like the plant?? 

Ginny: He better have.

Ginny: what was it you named him?

Luna: Gulliver.

Ginny: Yeah, we went through a lot of trouble to obtain Gulliver. One of those Bowtruckles ripped a hole in my sweater. 

Luna: I can patch that for you if you’d like. 

Ginny: I was going to try and practice my sewing charms, but I’d like to see what you make of it. 

Luna: Ooh I can use one of my pride flag patches

Luna: If you’re open to that? 

Ginny: Sounds awesome! Have you got a bi one? 

Luna: yep! 

Ginny: Rad. Might have to explain what it means to my brothers, but it will be a nice little learning experience for them.

Ginny: Wait, so what did Neville say about Gulliver?

Luna: well he went rather red when I gave it to him, and stammered quite a bit, so I’d say he likes it. He tripped over the leg of his table three separate times, which I found impressive.

Ginny: oh that’s very Neville. I’m glad he liked it. 

Ginny: I would’ve been pissed if he hadn’t.

Luna: yes, on behalf of your injured sweater.

Ginny: nah, the sweaters fine. I would’ve been pissed on your behalf. 

Luna: why? 

Ginny: Because people need to appreciate you, dammit., You’re like the world’s sweetest person. You make flower crowns for the ghosts, and talk to the loneliest portraits, and you even send birthday cards to those jerks who steal your shoes. You like to make other people happy even though you don’t quite understand some of them. 

Luna: I can understand Neville. And Harry. And Ron sometimes. I’m working on Hermione, but she’s a tough nut to crack. I’m best at understanding you. 

Ginny: honestly, if you didn’t like Neville and I wasn’t dating Micheal, I’d date you. Like high-key. 

Luna: perhaps in another universe we already are dating

Luna: i hope the alternate us are happy together 

Ginny: me too, Luna. me too. 

**Neville > Luna ** [10 pm]

Neville: I’ve got Gulliver all settled into his new pot. The name really does suit him. I don’t think I really thanked you properly earlier, this is such a cool gift. I totally wasn’t expecting this. 

Luna: I’m very pleased that you like it. 

Neville: Also, I looked it up in a couple of my books and cross-referenced one of Professor Sprout’s academic papers, and it turns out that Gulliver is a rare hybrid of Puffapod and Flitterbloom, which means instead of just the pollen causing dizziness, contact with any of his swaying tentacles will make you dizzy. 

Neville: I’m sorry, that’s probably really boring isn’t it?

Luna: No, not at all. Daddy runs a bi-monthly herbology column in the Quibbler, and I think Gulliver would be a perfect feature. 

Luna: That, and it’s just nice to hear people talk about things they're passionate about. 

Luna: Even though we’re texting, I can imagine the way your eyes are lighting up, and you’re brushing your bangs out of your eyes to type faster, and you’re smiling. Not with your mouth open, so I suppose you would call it a grin, but still, I can picture it. 

Luna: It’s a very nice image.

Neville: Luna do you...do you think you’d like to go to the next Hogsmeade weekend with me? 

Luna: Oh yes, I would love that! 

Neville: wait really?

Luna: Oh, I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t mean it. Some other people might have, but not me. I’m a strong believer in candor. 

Neville: Oh er, noted. 

Luna: Do you think we could bring Gulliver with us? I’m sure he would enjoy the fresh air. 

Neville: Yeah, I think we could do that. 

Luna: I look forward to it then. Goodnight, Neville. 

Neville: Goodnight, Luna. 

**Ginny > Luna ** [10:05 pm]

Ginny: NEVILLE ASKED YOU TO GO TO HOGSMEADE?

Luna: Yes, yes he did. Although I don’t recall telling you. I don’t think we’ve talked in the five minutes since he asked me. I could be wrong though. 

Ginny: I HEARD HIM TELLING HARRY AND RON

Ginny: I CAN SEE HIM BLUSHING FROM ACROSS THE COMMON ROOM

Luna: Why are you yelling? 

Ginny: I’M EXCITED FOR MY BEST FRIEND!!!!

Luna: Do you think you could be excited in a less aggressive font? 

Ginny: oh, yeah sure.

Ginny: are you excited??

Luna: I am positively trembling with anticipation. 

Luna: and no that was not sarcastic, I know I confuse you sometimes. 

Ginny: I actually understood your tone this time, but thank you for the clarification. 

Ginny: Neville looks excited too. 

Ginny: He’s smiling nervously. 

Ginny: But to be fair, I don’t think Neville has an un-nervous smile. 

Luna: Thank you for helping me find Gulliver. 

Ginny: For you and Neville? I’d face down 1000 sweater-stabbing bowtruckles. 

Luna: By that point it might be wise to invest in chest armor of some sort. 

Ginny: Like one of those viking boob plates? I always thought it would be so cool to have one of those. 

Luna: ooh you could be a viking for Halloween

Ginny: like the way that muggles do? I guess that would be kinda cool. 

Ginny: OMG! What if we had a school wide costume contest!!! Like a Muggle halloween party?

Ginny: oh it’d piss off Umbridge. Complete disregard for the dress code and acceptance of non-magical cultures!!

Ginny: I’ll conference with my brothers about it tomorrow. For now, go off and dream of fanciful costumes and pumpkin flavored everything!

Luna: We’re wizards, we already make everything pumpkin flavor. 

Ginny: Fanciful Costumes! WOO! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had some Linny energy, which was not entirely intentional. They say 'write what you know', and I don't have any female friendships that aren't slightly homoerotic. Just want to clarify that I will love NevilleXLuna to my dying day, and I'm not trying to write Linny in this story. Maybe in another universe?


	5. Hogwarts Halloween Costume Contest, Pt 1

**Ginny > Fred,George ** [8 am]

Ginny: Do you guys remember all those muggle movies Harry and Hermione showed us this summer when we found that old telly-visor thing???

Fred: Yeah

George: of course

Ginny: okay, do you remember Hocus Pocus? The one with the completely inaccurate witches?

Fred: yeah?

George: where are you going with this, Gin?

Ginny: luna gave me an idea. She got me thinking about the way Muggles celebrate Halloween, and I thought it would be really fucking fun if we held a Muggle-style Halloween costume contest here at Hogwarts

Fred: and so you have called on us, your extremely popular older brothers,

George: who are amazing at parties,

Fred: to help you pull it off?

Ginny: actually I think I called on my extremely idiotic and irritating older brothers who are amazing at nicking snacks from the kitchen 

Ginny: but if you want me to text Bill and Charlie instead, I will

Fred: we’ve taught you well, young one

George: with a few more years of training, your snide remarks might be as effective as ours

Ginny: really I just wanted your help asking a professor to sponsor the activity, so umbridge can’t bust us for it

Fred: we’ll work on a proposal

George: meet us in the common room in 10

**definitely not a secret defense group** [1 pm]

Fred: Guess who's throwing a halloween costume party!?

Ginny: not you dickweed

Ginny: just to clarify for everyone reading IT WAS MY IDEA

Ginny: COPYRIGHT GINNY WEASLEY 

George: that’s just to say, you’re all invited. 

George: being held in the great hall right after the feast

Katie: wow, how did you get permission for that?

Fred: we have our ways

George: a magician never reveals his secrets

Ginny: Professor Burbage from muggle studies is sponsoring it as a culture exchange activity 

Fred: we’ve been betrayed

George: is anyone available to come and pull this knife out of my back? 

Alicia: hmm i think i might start being friends with your sister now instead of you two

Angelina: she’s clearly the superior Weasley 

Harry: falsehood. Ronald Bilius Weasley is the superior Weasley. 

Harry: Ron Weasley fan club, assemble! 

Hermione: Ron Weasley fan club co-president reporting for duty, sir. 

Neville: Ron Weasley fan club secretary reporting for duty. 

Dean: Ron Weasley fan club treasurer reporting for duty, bitches!

Neville: all members present and accounted for, sir

Ginny: your club only has four members?

Ron: how many members does you fan club have, Ginny?

Ginny: … 

Ginny: none 

Ron: I’m winning. 

Fred: all fan clubs aside, everyone start getting your costumes ready! 

George: one Honeydukes’ assorted sweets box for whoever wins first prize

Lee: who's the judge? 

Ginny: the most impartial person we could find, of course.

Ginny: Luna Lovegood. 

Ron: wait so this party was your idea and YOUR best friend is the contest judge? 

Ron: i smell a rigged competition 

Luna: don’t worry Ron, I have a highly complex and nuanced system for assigning points. 

Hermione: how does it work? Is there math involved?

Luna: see that’s the thing, Hermione. It’s so complex and nuanced that not even I understand it. The scores simply appear in my mind. 

Hermione: mhmm alright then 

Fred: stop talking and go plan costumes!!!

Ginny: wait there is one rule 

George: you didn’t tell us about this rule

Ginny: that’s cause the rule is that you two can’t dress up as eachother 

Fred: unfair

George: you’re the worst

Ginny: love you too <3

**Lavender > Parvati ** [1:15 pm]

Lavender: so we’re totally doing a matching costume, right?

Parvati: do you even need to ask? 

Parvati: brainstorming session GO

Lavender: omg what if I’m Professor Trelawney and you’re the crystal ball

Parvati: i love you but that’s terrible

Lavender: i’m joking, duh

Lavender: wait okay actual idea

Lavender: what if we were Cher and Dionne from Clueless?

Parvati: I understood none of the words that you just said

Lavender: oh right 

Lavender: remind me to show you that one day. It’s a muggle movie. 

Lavender: i only know about it cause I went on a date to see it in the cinema with a total ride of a muggle boy from my hometown last summer. 

Parvati: can we change the subject please?

Lavender: i mean okay

Parvati: okay I have an idea 

Lavender: hit me

Parvati: you could be Celestina Warbeck, you’ve got the blonde hair, we could tease it up. You could get you a fancy faux kneazle-fur coat and a feather boa, and wear that little pink sequined dress you have. 

Parvati: then Padma and I could be your backup singers. We already match! 

Lavender: OMG that’s SO CUTE 

Lavender: I LOVE IT 

Lavender: the second we’re allowed in Hogsmeade the three of us are hitting up Gladrags for accessories!! 

Parvati: two words. Glittery heels. 

Lavender: ahhhhhhhh YES

Lavender: okay i’ve gotta go to class now, bye, love you

Parvati: love you too

**Parvati > Padma ** [1:20 pm]

Parvati: will you be a part of me and Lav’s group costume for the Weasley’s Halloween party?

Padma: well I was considering skipping the party and taking advantage of the empty common room to do some reading…

Parvati: come on padma pleassseeeee

Parvati: for me? 

Padma: yes, alright fine. 

Padma: but this had better go better than the yule ball

Parvati: oh come on it wasn’t that bad

Padma: ron weasley ignored me all night to be mad that he wasn’t hermione’s date

Padma: harry potter ignored you all night to be mad that he wasn’t cho or cedric’s date

Padma: and you ignored me all night to be mad that you weren’t lavender’s date

Padma: that’s pretty much the textbook definition of bad party experience 

Parvati: okay well Lav’s going to be with us so that part won’t be a problem 

Padma: yeah instead of ignoring me and glaring at her and the gay boy who asked her to go with him as a beard all night, you’ll just ignore me by lavishing her with attention all night

Padma: and when she’s gone like to the bathroom or to get punch or something it’ll be all

Padma: ‘oh doesnt lavender look so beautiful in her dress?’ 

Padma: ‘oh did you see how lavender smiled at me?’

Padma: ‘oh do you think i’m reading into this or did she dance really close to me on that last song?’ 

Parvati: you’re being overdramatic 

Padma: those are all direct quotes from the last party you dragged me to

Parvati: jeez okay i cant help that I’m a romantic 

Parvati: anymore than you can help being a cynic that doesn't believe in love

Padma: Parvati, she’s never even said if she likes girls 

Padma: and i think she’d tell you, you’re her best friend 

Parvati: look this isn’t analyze your twin sisters crush on her best friend day 

Padma: obviously

Padma: that’s March 13th 

Parvati: look are you helping with the costume or not

Padma: against my better judgement, yes I’m helping 

Parvati: YAY

Parvati: okay I’m sharing a Pinterest board with you, to make sure you really get the concept we’re going for

Padma: of course you are. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This arc is partially inspired by an old Tumblr post from @wheezlytwins about a Hogwarts Costume Contest. I cannot find it, otherwise I would leave a link.


	6. Hogwarts Halloween Costume Contest, Pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and for leaving comments and kudos! I appreciate every single one of you!

**Quidditch Queers** [1:30 pm]

Katie: can we PLEASE dress as Holyhead Harpies players for the Halloween party?

Alicia: that would be badass

Katie: and all we’d need would be a simple color-change charm on our regular Quidditch robes

Angelina: on the condition that I get to be Gwenog Jones, I accept. 

Angelina: and that we don’t let Alicia charm her own robes. She doesn’t have the best record with the color-change charm. 

Alicia: oh jeez will you ever get over that??

Angelina: you turned my hair green! I will not get over it!

Alicia: ...Madame Pomfrey changed it back.

Angelina: i maintain that there is still a slight green tint if you look at it under the right light

Katie: i can do Alicia’s robes, and I promise we will get them back to scarlet and gold before the next match. 

Angelina: thank you Katie. 

Alicia: that’s one of the many advantages of having a smarty-pants girlfriend; 

Alicia: she can magically color your Halloween costume for you.

Katie: I’m only a smarty-pants at Charms, I got a D on our last History of Magic essay

Angelina: you’d better keep your grades up. I’m already down three players, I’m not losing a chaser to academic probation.

Katie: yes, oh captain, my captain. 

Angelina: you can’t see it, but I’m rolling my eyes

Alicia: we can imagine it. 

Angelina: I’m going on a run, do either of you want to join me? 

Katie: how long?

Angelina: just a couple laps around the pitch

Katie: let me change clothes and I’ll meet you there. Alicia?

Alicia: are you gonna wear your tight leggings?

Katie: sigh. yes.

Alicia: then yes, I’m coming. 

Angelina: Let's go lesbians! 

**Colin > Dennis ** [1:37 pm]

Colin: do you think that we can both dress as Harry for the party?

Dennis: would that confuse people? 

Colin: idk, maybe

Dennis: maybe you could be Harry and I could be Ron? 

Colin: but then it would feel weird not to have a Hermione

Colin: and we don’t have another friend 

Dennis: hmm yeah you’re right

Dennis: we wouldn’t want to split up the trio

Colin: wait

Colin: do you wanna be dumbledore?

Dennis: um YES

Dennis: do i get a beard!?

Colin: obviously, you can’t be Dumbledore without his iconic beard 

Dennis: I’m going to go check some old Daily Prophets for pictures of his best outfits

Colin: they have backlogs in the library, but you’ll have to ask Madame Pince for help

Dennis: I am willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of good costumes. 

Colin: you’re so brave. 

**the heart, the brain, and the body** [1:45 pm] 

Harry: for the life of me, I cannot decide what I want to be for the costume party

Harry: what are you two dressing as?

Hermione: I’m going as Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. 

Harry: that fits you. 

Ron: I think it’s a person she’s made up. 

Hermione: Ron has never heard of Jane Austen 

Harry: of course he hasn’t 

Ron: Hermione says I’m not allowed to just wear my Quidditch robes and call it a costume

Hermione: there is an entire world of costume possibilities Ronald, I’m not letting you be lazy. 

Ron: what if I got some diagrams and screamed a lot? Then I could be Wood. 

Hermione: No. Come up with an original idea. 

Ron: yours is from some book, that’s not original 

Hermione: That’s how costumes work, Ron. You dress as people from popular culture, like books and movies. 

Ron: I’ve never even SEEN A MOVIE!

Hermione: You’ve never read a book either. 

Ron: shut up yes I have

Hermione: What book have you read in the past year? 

Ron: The collected adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle. 

Hermione: That’s a comic. 

Ron: It’s a comic BOOK. It has the word book right in it. 

Hermione: You are impossible. 

Harry: would you two stop arguing for 2 seconds and help me come up with a costume idea? 

Ron: why are you so hyped up about this party, mate?

Harry: idk

Ron: harrryyyyyy

Harry: well it’s just, I never got to do Halloween as a kid. And it’s like a big deal for Muggles. Dudley always got really nice shop-bought costumes and loads of sweets, and I...didn’t. So I don’t know, trying to make up for lost time I guess?

Ron: dude. 

Ron: one of these days I’m totally gonna go beat the piss out of your uncle.

Harry: be my guest. 

Harry: still doesn't solve my costume problem though

Hermione: my advice is to use the environment around you as inspiration 

Ron: yeah I’ll just dress as the common room wall

Harry: I guess one of us could go as Godric Gryffindor. 

Ron: DIBS

Harry: hey that was my idea

Ron: he was a ginger. I get priority. 

Harry: you’re a dick. 

Ron: <3

Ron: you’ll come up with something 

Ron: hermione can you charm me up a beard??

Harry: wait….beard...that gives me an idea

Harry: do you think I could dress as Hagrid?

Hermione: oh he would find that really cute 

Ron: will you get stilts or something? 

Harry: I was thinking of floating a few feet above the ground on my firebolt and wearing really long robes that reach the ground

Ron: you’re a visionary. 

Harry: omg I could dress Hedwig up like a dragon

Hermione: I’m sure she’ll love that 

Harry: well unless you want to let me borrow Crookshanks…

Hermione: yay! dragon hedwig! 

Ron: wait, where am I gonna get a sword?

Harry: i’m pretty sure the real sword of gryffindor is still in dumbledore’s office from when I pulled it out of the hat in second year

Ron: brb

Hermione: RON 

Hermione: RON NO 

Hermione: RONALD WEASLEY

Ron: sorry, had to open the portrait hole for neville

Ron: why were you yelling at me?

Hermione: you are absolutely exhausting to be friends with. 

**Ginny > Luna**

Ginny: do you think anyone would notice if I borrowed one of the suits of armor from the third floor?

Luna: hmm, Filch probably would. 

Ginny: I don’t need the whole suit, just the breast plate

Luna: is this for your halloween costume?

Ginny: yeah, i can’t be a viking warrior without armor

Luna: why don’t you just transfigure one of your shirts into a breast plate then?

Ginny: that seems like a lot of work

Ginny: i’d rather just take a pre-made one

Luna: suit yourself 

Luna: ha

Luna: suit of armor yourself 

Ginny: what are you going as?

Luna: a crumple-horned snorkack

Ginny: of course

Ginny: i dont know why i even asked 

Luna: it’s been slightly difficult, as no one has ever managed to capture a photo of one, so we’re not sure exactly what they look like

Luna: but i’m using a healthy dose of imagination 

Ginny: i’m sure you’ll look fantastic 

Ginny: do you know what Neville’s going as? 

Luna: a mandrake.

Ginny: you two are a match made in wizard heaven 

Ginny: lets hope no one scares him while he’s in costume. we wouldn't want him to scream and accidentally kill someone. 

Luna: i don't think it works that way actually

Ginny: joking, Luna

Luna: oh okay 

Luna: funny.

Ginny: I’m here all week. Tip your waitresses, try the veal. 


	7. Hogwarts Halloween Costume Contest, Pt 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some references to the Tales of Beedle the Bard, but you should be able to understand it even if you're not familiar with the stories. Thanks for reading <3

**The Unholy Heptagon**

Fred: do we know what happened to charlie’s old dragon costume?

George: we may need to borrow it

Bill: I think it’s in a box in the attic somewhere.

Bill: You might have to pry it out from under the ghoul, but I know mum never got rid of it. 

Charlie: you are NOT allowed to touch Filbert!

Ginny: also using someone else’s pre-made costume is definitely cheating 

Bill: what do you need a dragon costume for?

Fred: we’re having a halloween party / costume contest

George: gin’s in charge, and she told us we’re not allowed to dress as each other

Charlie: aww Ginny that’s unfair, that’s their only schtick (stay away from my dragon costume)

Ron: how would you even get it from home before the party?

Fred: summoning charm

George: duh

Bill: i think, given that *someone* left the group chat, it’s my job to tell you that doing that would be against several ministry of magic guidelines

Ron: you can say his name. 

Ginny: Just say prick. 

Charlie: do you think we should rename the chat? Like to...unholy hexagon? Cause there’s six of us now, not seven?

George: as much as I like that idea, that sincerely does not have the same ring to it

Fred: sad but true

Fred: it’s not like we wanted him in that chat anyway, name’s just better.

**Bill > George**

Bill: It's weird isn’t it, without him? 

George: yeah

George: it’s like I want to punch his lights out but at the same time i miss him? 

George: and it’s basically the only thing I can’t talk to Fred about 

George: if anyone brings up perce he just gets brushes it off and says that he’s glad he’s gone

Bill: You know Fred, he just shows his emotions in different ways.

Bill: Remember when you guys were 5 and our pygmy puff died and you stayed in bed for a day and cried and Fred hit a hole in the wall with his mini beater’s bat? 

George: vaguely. 

Bill: Point is, when bad things happen, you revel in your sadness, and he blocks his by getting angry. 

Bill: He’ll chill out, once he’s recovered from the whole thing. 

Bill: And until then you can text me if you need to talk. 

George: Thanks Bill. 

Bill: That’s what older brothers are for. 

George: Psychoanalysis of you and your twin brother after your other brother walks out on the family?

Bill: essentially. 

Bill: Oh, I actually came up with a metaphor about this exact situation the other day.

George: you did?

Bill: The desk job is boring okay, I have to do something to keep myself occupied.

Bill: but it’s that you two are like a mirror reflection, identical but facing opposite directions

George: i don’t think that makes any sense

Bill: I never said it was a good metaphor. 

George: it does give me an idea though…

**George > Fred**

George: I have an idea for our costume. 

George: Do you think anyone would notice if we took the frame of that big mirror in the fourth floor corridor? 

**Hufflebuds**

Hannah: so, does everyone have their costume ideas?? I’ve been brainstorming all day and I’m super excited!!

Ernie: somehow I feel like you want to tell us about your costume

Hannah: well, if you insist!

Hannah: I’m going as Helga Hufflepuff!

Susan: oh that’ll be gorgeous! Where are you going to get the dress?

Hannah: i don’t know yet. It’s not like there’s an 11th century fashion store in Hogsmeade. 

Justin: I’m sure you could find something in the room of requirement, if you figure out the right way to ask. 

Susan: or just get something from the old costume closet

Ernie: we have a costume closet?

Susan: there is nothing we don’t have at this chaos realm of a school

Susan: it’s from when we used to have a theatre class

Susan: before the incident

Hannah: why is there always an incident? 

Justin: ~magical fuckery~ 

Justin: *dramatic music plays*

Susan: i can take you to the costume closet later today if you want, it’s where I found my costume.

Hannah: ooh what are you going as? 

Susan: Babbitty Rabbitty. she was always my favorite when my mum would read me beedle’s stories. 

Susan: i’ve got an old dress that I think looks washerwoman-y enough, and a pair of rabbit ears

Ernie: I hadn’t even thought of using Beedle for inspiration. Do you know if anyone else is doing that? Cause if not, then I have an idea for my costume. 

Justin: i heard anthony goldstein, terry boot, and michael corner talking about their group costume during potions the other day. They’re going as the three brothers. You know, from the tale of three brothers. 

Hannah: Which of them gets to be the smart brother?

Justin: Terry. He won a galleon toss. 

Justin: Or so I hear. 

Ernie: hey justin, do you have a costume yet?

Justin: no, i do not. 

Ernie: wanna be the hopping pot to my wizard?

Justin: it would be an honor. 

Susan: what are you going to do? Stick Justin in a big cauldron and put a fake foot on it?

Ernie: I did not think it through that thoroughly, given that I had the idea 5 seconds ago. 

Hannah: I’m sure if you go to the kitchens and ask the house elves very nicely, they’ll let you borrow one of their big cooking cauldrons. 

Justin: i don’t doubt it, the house elves would carry out a hit on the prime minister if you said please

Hannah: why would you want to kill the prime minister ?

Justin: just making a point. Not that I particularly like John Major, rotten Tory he is.

Ernie: none of us understand what you’re talking about, justin.

Justin: the wizarding world’s complete lack of knowledge about how anything works in the muggle world will never cease to amaze me. 

Justin: the other day Smith didn’t believe me when I told him about the moon landing

Susan: what’s the moon landing?

Justin: …

Justin: I’m going to go jump off the astronomy tower now. 

**Dean > Seamus **

Dean: so, who wants to do their best friend a favor?

Seamus: that would depend on what the favor is

Dean: okay well

Dean: I know you’re not exactly on great terms with harry and ron right now, but will you come to the Weasley’s halloween costume party with me? 

Seamus: no

Dean: come on mate, pleeeaaasssseeeee

Seamus: No.

Dean: i’ll let you copy my charms essay

Seamus: the one on the disillusionment charm? 

Dean: yeah

Seamus: fine, i’ll go. 

Seamus: but I’m not spending any money on a costume. 

Dean: YAY

Dean: BEST FRIENDS PARTY TIME

Seamus: you’re a fucking nerd

Dean: you love me. 

Seamus: i think i’ll put a sheet over my head and be a ghost

Seamus: is that creative enough for you?

Dean: ooh you can be nearly-headless-nick and i can be the executioner

Dean: I’ll get a fake AXE

Seamus: i will literally just wear a sheet so idk how people will tell i’m nick but okay

Dean: once they see me with the axe it’ll make sense. 

Seamus: whatever you say, dean. 

**Seamus > Lavender**

Seamus: FUCK

Lavender: are you having trouble with your Dealings again?

Seamus: my what?

Lavender: Dealings. Dean-feelings. 

Seamus: that makes it sound like i’m selling drugs

Lavender: the drugs of ~love~ 

Seamus: why do I even talk to you? 

Lavender: cause I am a guru of knowledge and wisdom

Seamus: nah I think it’s cause you’re the only one who knows I’m gay

Lavender: and I’m always ready to be your beard again if you need it

Lavender: even though you wanted to be with Dean at the Yule Ball, I still had fun. 

Seamus: thanks lav. 

Seamus: are you going to the Weasley’s Halloween Party?

Lavender: yep! Parvati, Padma, and I are doing a group costume, it’s gonna be so cute, wait ‘til you see it! 

Seamus: if I make desperate eye contact with you across the room, it’ll mean that I need to be saved from an awkward conversation. 

Lavender: aww you’re coming?? Dean was trying to figure out if he’d be able to convince you. 

Seamus: yes I’m coming. But only for Dean. 

Lavender: you really are on love drugs

Seamus: oh fuck off 

Lavender: love you too <3


End file.
